Celebrating CJ, and a milestone, too!

I'm so happy and blessed to be celebrating my son's 8th birthday today. If you had told me where I'd be today 8 years ago, I might have believed you, but that day I was a bit out of it.... ;) So, happy birthday to CJ! I love him so much and always will. I'm so proud to be his mom. Especially since yesterday he won the "Citizen of the Month" award for his class!

And a small milestone to report. I am now officially OFF of the hydrochlorothiazide (HCTZ). Translation: No more blood pressure meds for me. My pressure has been stable in the healthy zones for over a year now, there is no need to refill that prescription any more. I've been off of it for a month or so, but the doc just confirmed that there's no need for the meds yesterday. Very happy about that, and proud too! Oh, and I just got some rockin' hand me downs from my sister Kelly, and some of the size 8's fit. ????? Seriously? Did I just type size 8????? Hm..... interesting. Good, but interesting!

Some progress (fingers crossed)

I know it's only a tiny bit of progress, but when you've been stagnant for a while a tiny bit in the right direction is great. I'm down a good pound, and only a pound away from a huge milestone (weight in the 150's). I'm working out minimum five days a week (usually six and I feel guilty on the seventh when I don't work out LOL) and doing good on points and The Daily Plate. I'm loving the Daily Plate for tracking things like my exercise calories, my daily intake of things like protein and sodium, etc. It's a fun tool.

Otherwise I'm just keeping on, as they say. I can and will do this, I can and will finish this journey. I've had the opportunity in the last week to do two "intro" posts about myself for my new online classes, and I've noticed the sense of pride and accomplishment that radiates from me when I'm getting to talk about what I've done in the last couple years. That's just a beautiful thing.

Love and blessings, until next time!

12 weeks post op

Well, technically today is 12 weeks post release from hospital. ;)
I have been thinking about how it's been a while since I've blogged about this, and I needed to take some follow up pics for you all. Today CJ went back to school so I went ahead and took some. While they look odd/kinda bad, I'm actually quite happy with how things are going right now.

The doctor was quite clear that as things healed, I'd end up with a "pooch" of swelling that's close to the incision mark. That's what I've got now, and I'm not overwhelmingly concerned because it really doesn't bother me at this point. It means that things are progressing normally, and I'm happy with that concept LOL. I know it's swelling, and I know I'm doing the right things with my eating, etc. Post op I was around 168 pounds and Monday my weigh in had me at 161.8. I'll get to goal eventually, though I really more down on myself with the scale not moving down than I am about the silly little pooch you'll see below.

First, the clothed shot....

Now, the "good side" shot. You'll notice if you compare the "good" and "bad" sides that the bad side has a more prominent scar area, but that's fine by me. ;)

The front shot....

The formerly "bad" side shot. This is a good angle to show the distension of my lower belly below my belly button right now.

Ugh, bloating....

Well, the goal of this is to show the good, the bad and the ugly. This week I hit some of the ugly. I'm having a bit of stress in my personal life, as well as lots of stuff going on with school and the kids and a new puppy, and other things too. Just hectic like usual. I did well at Disneyland over my birthday weekend making food choices, etc. My weight was only up a little bit after the trip (1 pound) and I was happy with that.

Since then I've been extremely bloated, and not sure why. I'm drinking my water, and my caloric intake has been under 1300 calories for the last three days and if you subtract calories burned I'm under 1000 (hit the gym every night...). I don't really understand what's going on and it's frustrating me physically. The good news (if you want to call it that) is that I'm not having much time to dwell on it because of all the activity in other parts of my life right now, but that activity is also making sure I'm staying on program.

I'm not sure if it's connected at all, but I'm having a fair amount of discomfort associated with my bellybutton. It's sore, like a bad muscle pull inside and the outside feels like it's tugging to stay connected inside. I'm wondering physically if this is because of the bloating I'm experiencing right now, swelling my stomach up and my belly button fighting to keep it's place. Laying on my stomach wasn't painful before but it is now. I think part of it has to do with the feeling returning in parts of my stomach at this point post op, but am not sure.

I'm just frustrated. The scale was up another pound this morning and I almost screamed. I know within my heart I'm working the program the right way. I don't think I've ever been more sure of it than I am now.

I guess this is just when we keep on keeping on, right?

13 Reasons Why I Love My Husband

Today is the 13th anniversary of the day I married my husband. Honestly I don't think anyone thought we'd last nearly this long. Sometimes we both didn't think it ourselves but we've made it this far, I'm sure we'll make it even farther.

So, in honor of this occasion, I'm going to post 13 reasons why I love my husband....

1. He's loved me literally through thick and thin.

2. Though our family differences are vast, he has rolled with the punches as much as he could as they have rolled through our lives for the last 13 years.

3. Even though he felt a sense of duty to continue serving in the Marines after 9/11, he listened to me and my wishes and went through with his plans to leave the service shortly after the tragic events of 2001.

4. He's helped me learn to be a better wife.

5. He's supported all my recent efforts to keep myself sane so I can be a good mother and wife.

6. He's a great cook!

7. He always thinks I'm worthy of smooching -- even with crazy bed head and morning breath.

8. He's doing his best to make sure I don't feel guilty about not contributing to the household income.

9. He almost always knows when he's screwed up, and almost always does what he can to remedy it.

10 . Thirteen years later I honestly think he's more attractive than he was when we got married. And of course I love him more than I did then -- that almost goes without saying, even though we were crazy pseudo teenagers getting hitched.

11. His genes mixed with mine apparently make for crazy cute kids... though I am biased....

12. He doesn't give me grief for the side effects from my new diet and workout regime.

13. He's like a fine wine -- he's getting better with age.

Being Overweight, Hindsight version

I've always always always been overweight. At least it seems that way. Technically according to my BMI I still am.

This morning I saw a headline about people thinking that President Obama's new pick for Surgeon General is a bad one because she's overweight. And it made me sad. If I was unhappy with myself for some reason when I carried more weight than I do currently, that was my own issue, not one for public consumption.

Those who care about me are allowed to be concerned because they love me and want me healthy, but I feel as though people pick out any person to target. In this case, yes, she's a doctor. But I worked for Jenny Craig, and I did Body 4 Life. I KNEW how to lose weight. However, I had other things in my life that needed more attention. This is common for MANY of us. We need to address other aspects of our health, or we have children that need our attention 24/7, or we're just not used to taking time for ourselves, or we're single parents who CAN'T take time for ourselves.

I'm thankful for the transition I've made, but it makes me angry when others posit that all overweight people are failures at controlling their health. Probably every other thought I have now centers around what to eat, when to eat, how to work out, etc. This is very self-centered, but as I've posted before it's okay because I'm still doing everything I can to take care of my kids and my family. Other's aren't able to make this choice for a plethora of reasons, and I'm certainly not going to be in line to cast any stones, seeing as how I live in the glass house, too.

The new plan

Okay, so I've been working on this project to change myself since October of 2007. By the end of October 2009 my goal and the new plan is to lose this last 15 pounds. I am at 163 right now. The high end of my Weight Watchers "healthy weight" is 148. That is my goal. I'm really happy where I'm at, which is clear because I've been here so long. Now it's time to get down to business and get to goal.

So, there are a few steps in my plan. Training is essential. I'm going to start with some weights, and I think I'm going to look up the Body 4 Life guidelines for weight training and follow that program where you do cardio one day, weights the next, taking one day off a week. This seems very feasible for me and having a specific guideline for working out would be helpful. I intend to have this research done to start Monday or Tuesday at the gym. That gives me a day or two which I think is good -- no time to dwell on it! ;)

I also submitted for something -- a local "extreme make over" and that offers personal training. I'm really hoping they find my story interesting, because I could use that soooo much! It also offers a life coach which I think could be a very cool thing for me right now.

BUT, even without this help, I'm gonna get it done! I know how to do this. I'm motivated, I'm encouraged, and I'm absolutley positive I CAN do this. It amounts to essentially 5 pounds a month, July, August and September. I will be using this forum to keep myself honest! ;)

6.5 week follow up pics

Okay, I'm a bit swollen from being overly excited that I'm free of any limitations per both docs, so keep that in mind. Otherwise.... here are the 6.5 week follow up pics. The surgeon, Dr. Smith said everything looked great, and I was bouncing off the walls with happiness that I could workout as much as I want now. Oh, and I can sign the kidlets up for swim lessons since I have to take Kiera! ;)

Here you go....

Clothed.... gym clothes to be exact. Yes, I'm lazy, I'm going to the gym at 8pm-ish, and this is what i'm wearing all day. Poor people having to see me out and about!

Pssst. My shirt is faded out and pixelated, but has two penguins on it, and says "Penguins. Lovely." Yes, I'm a closet Twilight fan (atic?).... Kiera named them Flowers and Bobos. Oddly Freudian, I think....

The formerly known "bad" side - note it's hard to tell a difference anymore. YAY!

The formerly known "good" side....

Front shot....

So, there you have it. I'm exceedingly happy with results. I will take a shot with jeans on soon. My "before" picture jeans were attacked by a furry little animal and the button was removed.... Good thing said furry animal is adorable..... We'll figure out something comparable.

Okay, off to play Dora Checkers....

My tools and tricks

I've made a lot of noise with friends and family about how I have lots of little tools and tricks I use to keep me on track. I figured I'd put them all down (or at least as many as I can come up with right now) just to have it in writing somewhere.... this may be a long post LOL Oh, and I'm intending to do some 6.5 week post op pics later today or tomorrow. ;)

Without further ado, in no particular order:
1. Vitamuffins -- I buy the mixes at www.vitalicious.com. I also always click through DWLZ so Dotti gets the referral revenue if it exists, and she usually has a 10% off coupon available. I think they also participate in eBates, but I think I JUST figured that out before my last order. I'd rate these a B+ -- doing it this way is soooo cheap compared to buying them pre-made in the freezer section at your local grocery store, but like many healthy items they make me toot! My poor family ;)

2. Fiber One Bars -- I ate these all the time, then started discovering other bars in the 2-point range. They're still some of my faves. The Peanut Butter, Chocolate and Apple Streusel (I think) are all AMAZING flavors. I think the only one of the three that's not 2 points is the Peanut Butter but I could be wrong. I'd rate these a B -- they're convenient, good, but again, make me toot! My poor family ;)

3. PB2 -- I'd have to say this is one of my all time favorite items. Mix the peanut butter dust with water and watch it magically transform into a natural-pb consistency spread that tastes like the real deal only with 75% less fat if I'm remembering correctly. 2 tbsp clocks in at 54 calories. I mix it in Cool Whip and put it on ff sf chocolate pudding for a decadent treat, I put it on vitamuffins (the double chocolate kind -- YUM!), I dip my veggies and fruits into it, it's great. I buy it 12 jars at a time from www.bellplantation.com but got a lead on a cheaper place to get it online. I'll let you know once I use that spot if it's a good online transaction. Overall grade for PB2 has gotta be an A -- I haven't found a way I don't like this stuff....

4. Canned veggies -- some days I'll have half a can of peas and half a can of corn for lunch. I know -- it's weird, but I like 'em and it's convenient. It gets my veggies in, it's a starchy veggie so I feel satiated, and they're uber convenient. I stock up when they're on sale, or purchase at Costco. Grade of a B

5. Oatmeal with Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Breeze -- I hated oatmeal for years, but after having my son I found out that if you eat it every morning for breakfast it's supposed to increase breast milk output. So, I ate it everyday and developed a taste for it/it's texture. I love it now. Then you mix it with UVAB mentioned above and it's freaking amazing! Couple packets of splenda and some cinnamon and you've got an amazing meal that works any time of day in my book -- A

6. All Bran Bars -- just tried these. Yummy but so much fiber my digestive tract could run the space station.... C+

7. Oroweat/Arnolds Select Sandwich Thins -- great for quick sandwich -- my son even likes these which is huge for him. Grade: B+ (buy them on sale only!, they can be uber pricey)

8. Western Bagel "Alternative" products: They have several flavors of bagels, and english muffins, all clocking in around 1 point (100 cals, low fat, uber fiber). These don't normally mess with my tooter too much. They're available at my local WalMart that has a grocery, and are cheaper there than if I mail order them direct from Western Bagel, oddly enough. Good bang for your buck, though the Sweet Wheat flavor needs something with it to off set the fiber factor in the taste. Overall grade: B+ if you can get them at WalMart prices

9. Soup! -- I have learned to embrace broth based soups. Love 'em. The progresso brand stuff endorsed and pointed out by Weight Watchers can make you tooty though.... beware. Overall grade -- A-

10. Fat Free Cool Whip -- Love this because it's a splurge but not a horrible one at all. The kids love it and have no idea they're eating "healthier" whipped cream. Put it on tons of stuff, mix it with PB2, etc. Overall grade of A- if you get it at WalMart prices.

That's all for now, I'm sure I'll have more later, and I'll post 'em when I come up with 'em. I'll be back later this week with more progress pics!

Me and my Addictive Personality....

Well, the high I got off of the endorphins from my first trip back to the gym today was immense. To be realistic I think it was the endorphins from a good workout as well as the fact that I got out of the house and did something uber-good for myself, but still.... I was really high, and have been floating a bit since. And it's like 8 hours later now!

I always kinda suspected I had an addictive personality. This is a major reason why I'm glad I never bothered to try smoking or any sort of illegal drugs. I have always thought that -- not just now. And I know I've had an issue with food, OBVIOUSLY.... DUH, for many years. That addiction was most likely a coping mechanism for me... though I did (and do start to, still) eat when I'm bored. The eating is most intense and unavoidable when I'm stressed. And the last couple days have been doozies. So this gym trip was so amazingly, unspeakably wonderful.

Plans for the holiday tomorrow changed a bit, and I can't hit the gym -- we'll be leaving too early to do that AND get the doggle out for a good wear-out worthy walk. And I'm bummed ROFL I'm so glad I know I'm going back Sunday though!!!

Also, the scale this morning was great -- I hadn't weighed in at least a week, I'm being rather informal with it until the swelling goes down. I was back at the 75 pounds down mark (low 160's) which is great, it's been a while since I've been there (probably five or six weeks prior to surgery) so it was a great landmark to see. Very motivating, especially pre-workout!

I think in a lot of ways the return to my happy place (aka, the gym!) really was just what the doctor ordered. To be bluntly honest, I didn't see the plastic surgeon this week like I was supposed to (babysitting issues led to rescheduling for next Thursday) so I decided I'd go back slowly, at half the intensity and time I did prior to surgery. I also told myself that if my abs hurt at all, I'd stop. They never hurt, not for one second. And I felt amazing. So great, that after 40 minutes and burning over 300 calories I came home and took the dog for a walk.

I'm so glad this is the new mentality I have, and I hope against all hope that it will stay this way for a lifetime. If I continue working out like I did pre-op (5-6 days a week) my work outs will end up being less than a $1 each. That's an investment I can be proud of!

Blog Title and Physical Update

First, the physical update: I'm 4.5 weeks post op, and almost completely off of the narcotics -- I actually was off of them for almost a whole week, but then... well read on LOL

Yesterday I visited Dr. Sweeney. I had a great time visiting her as always; I love her positive perspective and great disposition. She was very happy with the progress I'm making at this point (versus two weeks ago) and said she was just going to help the healing process along with the tiny bit I still have that's "open" by cauterizing it. I've had this done before, but not for years so I forgot what it was like. She said it'd sting, so I was surprised that the first bit didn't sting at all. The last bit though, that hurt a bit. Then, it started burning once I got home. The burning last night was enough to make me reach for the Norco, and again just now. Otherwise, I'm happy with it because it is sealing things up very nicely compared to how it was before.

Now the blog title issue: Dr. Sweeney released me to all activities from her end. So officially I'm still only banned from activities by Dr. Smith. I see him next Thursday. I mentioned my gym ban to Dr. Sweeney and she said that as long as I was reasonable, she'd release me to go back slowly, but to talk to Dr. Smith. So, this energized me and encouraged me to spend a bit more effort getting some sanctioned activity in. I took the dog out with Kiera this morning for 20 minutes, then got some wild idea to do it again a bit ago in 90+ degree heat. It's the Norco I guess LOL

Anyway, while I was walking I started thinking about how it was crazy hot, but I was soooo thankful that I had the ability and desire to get out and exercise. It means so much to me to have some quiet time to myself while doing something to better myself. This is partly why I'm not sure who I am anymore.

I feel odd because I'm selfish now. But I like it too much to stop. I hugely enjoy being selfish, and taking care of myself. So much it's almost shameful. But I don't care, I just don't. And that's why I want to get back to the gym so bad, and that's why I don't recognize myself emotionally. I'm used to doing everything for others as much as physically possible, putting my family ahead of myself. But now I'm grappling with the fact that I'm taking better care of them because I care for myself. It reconciles itself, but not easily or neatly. And then I feel a certain level of pride because of what I've done and how much I like who I am now, but then realize that's overwhelmingly selfish, too.

I'm making a concerted effort to at least be thankful for every little thing I have, and have been given. I'm not one to say that's due to one particular entity or being (I dunno who did it, I just know I'm drowning in blessings and therefore gratitude) but it makes me want to thank every actual person, and every power that is on this earth.

I actually like myself. And that's why I don't understand who I am anymore.

A before and after surgery Comparison

Well, I couldn't get the photo to paste in correctly, so I'm just giving you guys a link to the photobucket link -- I didn't want to distort the images too much to make it work here. This is the side view of the belly before and after in one jpeg.

http://i242.photobucket.com/albums/ff252/sssmck/3weeksidecomparison.jpg

Okay, so I just figured out how to do this on Paint. You can't read the notes I put in, but the first photo is one of me in Vegas on my 30th birthday (late July, 2007). The second one is from May 31st, 2009 (aka 5 days post tuck). I tried to get the photos relatively similar in size and was amazed at how much wider the before shot had to be. I've wanted to have a side by side for a while, so it's nice to have this available for my reference. I call the second one "After" but I still intend to lose another 10 pounds or so after all the swelling goes down. I will be adjusting my goal upwards a bit (it was at 145, I'm fiddling with 148-152 range to be my new goal), but I'm satisfied. I'm glad to know I'm NOT done. And really, I'll never be DONE -- which is the best part of all!

Oh and for the record that skirt and shirt were a 22 and a 2x respectively. That dress I'm in in the after is a Medium. I'm not a Medium in everything, but oh boy do I like 'em if they fit ROFL.

Job hunting

So, I just applied for a slew of jobs.

And I realized that I really just want to finish my silly degree already and get a real job. A job like a nurse, or Physican's Assistant. But I have a life. It's kinda frustrating to need money to continue a life, but to have a life in the way of obtaining money.

I want to be a mom, and I want to not stress. I want to be a successful student as I am currently.

So.... any ideas/solutions, I'm open.

Whine is now over, so put away the cheese.

Now back to your regularly scheduled more upbeat blog posts....

3 week 2 day pics

Caution: If you are reading this sentence and don't want to see the post op photos (private parts covered, but still seeing healing belly nastiness, don't scroll down, and/or click on this note in FB!

First, just because she's cute, and not icky in the least.....

Okay, so now I'm starting with clothed photos.... just shot these this morning.

Gotta love my Kierie.... this is front view in a mirror (all are shot in a mirror) with clothes on.

This has to be my favorite -- side view clothed.

Front view of incision. Note the ickiness around the belly button and how the right side (actually IS my right since it's in the mirror) is a bit "angrier" as I say.

This is the "happy side" aka the left hip view. This side is great, hardly any pain left at all, only when I bump into it on accident or something. I'm hoping I'll see more swelling going down in the little "roll" right above the incision as time goes on.

This is the angry side again. The right hip. I have an area about 2.5-3 inches long that is still not fully married/healed, but it's getting much better.

This is the slightly bending shot, see, still have the roll. This is the part that's hard for me emotionally because this is what they took off, but I'm trying to take comfort in the idea that it's only going to get better....

And the healing continues

Well, I'm happy to report that I'm simply healing. Healing healing healing. I have two areas that are a bit behind the rest of the incision, but they're doing okay and making some progress, which is all I can ask. The areas are my belly button and a stretch of the incision near my right hip bone. That one is probably about 3 inches long, and was closer to 5 inches long last week so it's totally making progress.

The scale this morning was friendlier than it has been since surgery, though still not pretty. I'm doing really well with the food right now though, so I'm happy and proud of that. Got the kids to try some new interesting fruits and we're having fun with that. The "donut peaches" are amazing! Gotta stock up and freeze them when they go on sale sometime cause $4/lb is insane!

We're trying to adjust to Caroline being gone. It's really hard for me personally, she is such a great girl, a good friend and a super mature teenager. I already miss her and can tell I will for quite some time. I have a feeling I'll be surfing for cheap tickets to Norway frequently as I dream of visiting her. The kids are glad to have their rooms back, but both have expressed some sadness that she's gone.

On the post-op tip, I intend to take some 3 week pics tomorrow or Wednesday and post them, so hopefully the swelling's getting prettier LOL Til then!

Ix-nay on the 2 week pics

I was intending to take two week progress pics today, but after my visit with my beloved Dr. Sweeney I decided not to do it.

She mentioned exactly what I've noticed, which is I'm a bit behind in the healing. The neo was bad and kinda set me back a bit, then there's one section that kinda split more than the rest (I think I actually FELT it the first week, then it oozed more than the rest the whole time) which isn't "marrying" the way it should. It's all still too "wet" in her words, and verging on infection. She also said it's so "wet" still that it is just asking for a yeast infection, so I'm on to only cotton undergarments and keeping it all exposed as much as possible. Kinda hard when I get cold with most of me uncovered. My poor family watching me walk around with my nasty, icky belly sticking out.

Ed is being so amazing, he's taking CJ to karate, then picking up my Keflex while that's going on. I wish I knew of a way to thank him better than just saying it all the time. At least I made dinner tonight. Though, now I'm down for the evening, I feel good about doing it for the family.

So, the plan will shift to 3 week pics now -- hopefully there will be enough improvement that I'm not too afraid to show you guys. Oh, and I'm kinda depressed about all the swelling -- Dr. S said it also made it look like it was on the verge of infected, so I won't have to show you how much the pooch is sticking out. Dr. Sweeney said it wasn't that much, but I feel so icky! Okay, off to play more Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook and relax. Sometimes I am really good at that game, but usually because Norco is involved, I suck....

Can I just say....

I love my family, and that sooo includes Caroline. She's such a help, and such a sweet girl, and I'm so glad it looks like she'll get to stay a couple extra days.

Right now I'm spending my time alternating between wearing a girdle type garment, or airing out my incisions. It's weird because I'll literally just walk around the house with my belly out, and it's nasty and gross, and this 17 year old isn't holding it against me. My children are kinda grossed out, and that's fine, I try to not make them look, but Caroline could complain and tell me to put it away or whatever, but she's fine with whatever I need to get better and feel better. I'm so lucky to have all these wonderful people in my life and she is one of them, without a doubt.

Right now the healing process is interesting: I have swelling between my main incision and my belly button. This is a bit dismaying for me personally because that's what they actually cut off, that exact area, so to see swelling there that's not huge, but definetly noticable, is disturbing to me.

Due to the "drying out" assignment I now have quite a few scabs, but a few areas that are still kinda icky. One side of my incision seems to not want to "marry" well, and I'm glad I'm going to see Dr. Sweeney Tuesday because I'm sure she'll either address it or reassure me and my paranoia. The belly button is icky looking too, but that's fine. I can see progress with it all on a day to day basis so that's very encouraging.

My first day back at school Saturday was interesting, I had a couple of my class mates actually join me in the restroom to look at my incision. I'm totally cool sharing it and was happy to even hand out Dr. Smith's number to one of them -- I know it by heart, it's an easy phone number LOL. I did okay, class got out about 45 mins early which was great because I was really feeling the day by that point. I did okay with my eating while at school which was good, too.

Today I have a little personal NSV -- that's short hand for "non scale victory" -- I am allowing up to 26 points per day until I see Dr. Sweeney again. I've gone over it almost every day since surgery, and today I only got 23 in. I'm soooo proud. I did well, I made Okay choices and it led to a successful day. I also got in almost all my veggies/fruits, and I got in probably 65-70 ounces of water or more. A win all around. Yay for being on program!!!

Okay, so maybe I overdid it....

I really don't know. But I do know the itching and aching is about as bad as the piercing pain was one day post op. I'm back on full doses of my meds, which I'm a bit bummed about. TMI alert -- I'm oozing annoying amounts (the new fresh tapes are two days old and I already lost one and am on the verge of losing two others), and I'm just plain uncomfortable.
I had DH put the binding garment back on nice and TIGHT. Like Tighter than it's been since I came out of the OR. Hopefully that helps. I'm also commissioning a cup of hot tea right now because I really want to soak in a hot tub, but can't so I'm settling for tea.
I don't get it because today was sooo quiet, I just spent hours doing homework. Maybe it was the annoying chairs, but that doesn't explain it I don't think -- DH mentioned that I've been going like the energizer bunny since surgery, but honestly it didn't hurt at the time, and when it did hurt I stopped and rested.
Tomorrow is Caroline's graduation, so hopefully I'm okay enough to sit through that. It's so odd that they're forecasting storms, maybe even thunderstorms. They have no place to hold the graduation if there's thunder so they may have to reschedule. That'd be sad just because Maria has to go home early Saturday.
Moral of the story is I'm just chugging along, taking meds and attempting to rest. I AM getting a lot of good reading done though! I highly recommend "Hep-Cats, Narcs and Pipe Dreams" by Jill Jonnes. I'm almost done with it. Mom suggested it because of the pharmacy tech school, and it's fascinating!
Okay, off to rest and feel better.

The good, the bad and the ugly

So, I figured the whole point of blogging this experience is to share the good stuff, the bad stuff, the weird stuff and all of those angles that might not be known to others thinking about this. In that vein, I'm going to address the ugly parts for a moment. Before I get there though let me point out that I am still exceedingly happy with how things are going, I'm just hitting a few speed bumps as it were....

Okay, so I had my one week post-op appt. with Dr. Smith today. They removed my staples (I thought they were stitches, and found out they were staples when the steri strips came off yesterday) which pinched, and was annoying because there were so darn many of them, then they looked at my bellybutton. I had been putting some Neosporin on the incision sites because it was cooling and had the added "pain reliever", but it turns out that I shouldn't have done that. Some of the ingredients in the Neo give rashes, which are now evident in some areas around my staple marks. So, no more Neo. No worries.

The other weird thing was my belly button -- the tape hadn't come off but it was pretty painful last night so I TOOK the tapes off, and it looked like I had a section that was kinda pus-infested. Turns out it was a scab, not pus, but that meant that I had put a ton of Neo on it and it didn't need it -- it actually made it a bit worse. So my new fake belly button hurts today. Oh well. Not the end of the world.

I also really want to shower every day, but I'm trying not to get the tapes too wet, but the hot water feels so darn good.

Otherwise, on the hyster angle I'm seeing very few indications I even had it! Kinda nice! I had one hot flash, but that was to be expected. I was told I could see random ones here and there, but only one and they're not that bad, as I'd had them before when I was on the Depo treatment.

Last night was tough too, because my bruising is slipping down my body to my thighs which makes them really uncomfortable, and it's extremely hard to get in a place that is comfortable. So tough, but really I keep reminding myself that in the grand scheme of things it's great. The one amazing thing to hear from the doctor is that things are looking good for being one week out, and then that the swelling will only keep going down. That part amazes me. I'm still going to get smaller! Holy crap!

You know, how they say people when they lose weight don't realize what they're losing? They still see themselves as fat and not thin? They don't really comprehend what they've done to change their bodies? Well, when I got settled in the 160's was when I got my haircut, and started really recognizing the differences in my body. I like it, I enjoy it. Now, I'm dealing with the whole, "Half my stomach is missing... hmmm.... that's odd" I still think it's there. Mentally, I'm still carrying it around -- which isn't really helped by the binding garment so I'm going to find a girdle-y thing to "step down" into as Dr. Smith said. Hopefully that will make it a little bit more concrete for me. We'll see.

The other last challenge for me, has been my eating. I'm not doing horribly, and I'm glad for that part, but with guests and events and so much going on around me there's so much "not good" to eat. Today we went out to lunch and it was hard to make a good choice with seven other people all having milk shakes and cheeseburgers. I know how to make the good choices, and I don't understand why I can't do it now. My big thing is to make sure that I end up getting back on the wagon. I think the best idea for me is to plan my entire day for tomorrow. I think I can do that tonight. That will be my goal. The family leaves tomorrow afternoon so it will be easy to stay op -- just stay upstairs away from the fridge! :) Good plan, I think I can handle that!

Pic from Caro's Party

Here's the photo of Maria, me and Caroline at her farewell party yesterday. Had a great time, ate a bit too much and am glad to be back eating "clean" this morning!

And I can't NOT include a photo of the beautiful cake Maria made us for her party. OMG it was so freaking delicious!!!!

First Shopping Jaunt....

I had a great time at the mall today, though it was a bit odd riding around in a wheelchair ROFLMAO

I tried on some really pretty dresses, and got a good deal on two -- one I'm wearing tomorrow so I think I'll have someone take a pic of me and Caroline and her mom to post here for you -- I really love it and think it's trendy but looks good on me. So, thanks big sis Amy, for the gift card ;-) It got some great use today!

I enjoyed my first trip out, though I'm finding I get uber car sick since surgery. Good to know for longer trips.

Also, I can't wait to see my extended family tomorrow! Mom's reaction this morning was pretty cool, so I can't wait to see what the other fam things -- mom was VERY impressed with the incision/results. It's so rewarding to have a nurse be happy with that part of it because they usually know their stuff!

Oh, and it's starting to itch like crazy which is great! It means it's healing, and with the binder on there's no hope of scratching so that's great too ROFL!

Three days after pics

Okay -- here you go.... afters. They're steri stripped up and still red obviously, but I feel pretty decent. Most of the red identations are from my new favorite garment -- the binding garment!

Pre Op Markup Pics

Here's some pre-op markup pics. I just got to see the "what they cut off" pics that my gyn was kind enough to take, and that was interesting! ;) Not posting those, don't want anyone to lose their lunch, but if you want, email me (sssmck@yahoo.com) and I'll send you the nastiness ROFLMAO

Yay!

I'm going home today! And with lots of Norco and REFILLS. Man, I love Dr. Sweeney!

Post Op and All is Well

Surgery took a little bit longer than we had anticipated so I wasn't conscious and in my room until nearly 7ish, but I don't really care because I had little to no pain and surgery went well according to the docs. The anesthesiologist was kind enough to give me a spinal as well as the general, but the spinal lasted for a good 14 hours, it was GREAT. Dr. Sweeney whispered in my ear as I was getting my spinal that I got lucky and had one of the best anesthesiologists that serve this hospital.

Had just a little sleep that night, but that's okay, because there wasn't too much pain. Got my first dose of pain meds orally at 4am. Dr. Smith came around 7:30am to remove my drain which was GREAT. Felt kinda icky, but so nice NOT to have the drain in anymore even though I hardly noticed it. Probably more a mental than physical thing ;)

After that I got to see the tummy, and almost cried. I couldn't quite grasp how I got so lucky, or blessed, or have such good karma or whatever you want to attribute it too. It's such a huge difference, to me at least. I'll take pics to post when I get home soon!

Yesterday afternoon I had a little issue with coughing -- really annoying because a simple little "gotta clear the phlem out of my throat" cough caused me pain for HOURS, but pain meds are great! LOL

I have some of the sweetest nurses, on all three shifts and they're so caring -- just what you'd want. They remind me that it's okay to take my meds and stay ahead of the pain. They also come up with great ideas like that magic sleeping pill last night that was on my med order from Dr. Sweeney should I need it. It helped a ton. I woke up this morning feeling like a new person almost. Still have a big incision that's healing but it wasn't nearly as scary a proposition after some good sleep.

Last night the kids came to visit and I loved seeing them so much. I really hope I can go home today. The only part of that that's confusing me is the idea that Dr. Sweeney hasn't come by yet. I can't leave until she says it's okay, so she has to come by, check me out and give me the green light to proceed to go and collect $200 ;) Hoping against hope she gets here soon because I feel great right now, and think that if she sees me this way I'll get released today no problem.

Ready to roll

I hit the hospital today for my blood tests, hit the gym one last time for a month or two, am doing homework for my Pharmacy Tech class and am ready to roll. I'm so thankful for the benzo the plastic surgeon gave me too, it means I WILL sleep tonight. Also very thankful for the Pharmacy Tech class project to keep my mind and my hands busy.

Gonna pack in the morning, and do more homework. I'm wondering today if I'll have my own room to recover in, if I can use my MP3 player (and if so when), if I'll be feeling up to doing school/computer work as I recover, etc. etc. etc. Lots of questions but I'm not stressing about not having answers. I'm actually kinda proud of myself for not being more "AAACCCKKKKK!" right now. I did yell at the fam this am about helping me clean up, but that had a lot to do with lazy attitudes and people not doing what they had promised to do yesterday.

Thanks so much to everyone who has shown me so amazingly strongly that they care and are hopeful that I will have an optimal outcome and recovery. Your words have all meant so much to me, and I'm so blessed to have so many people rooting for me during something that is so massive a hurdle for me. I am truly thankful and blessed to know all of you. I will check in again as soon as I can!

The infamous calorie count post-surgery....

Well, at least it was infamous to me. I was so curious, so I explained to my gyn the basics of my current WW plan -- 22 points per day plus "exercise points" -- I always earn the max amount of exercise points which is 4 (you can earn more, but can't USE more in any given day). So I explained to her that my theory was to just eat the exercise points for the two weeks post surgery and not exercise, in effect taking in roughly 200 more calories than normal. Initially she thought this was too much if I wanted to continue losing during that time frame. When I then explained that my 22 points a day adds up to roughly 1200-1400 calories per day she backed up and said that I should instead eat those activity points that I won't be earning for a couple weeks. She didn't want me below 1600 cals a day during the post op time frame, and I'm FINE with that! Totally doable, so I'm going to go with my generalized plan of 26ish points/1600 calories a day. I'm glad to have that set, and on my mind because I was afraid of giving myself too much leeway post op and not losing at ALL. I'm hoping there will be some skin associated weight loss, but I'm not sure.

I also confirmed my post op treatment for the hyster, and I'm happy with how that's all working out. Really, just seeing Dr. Sweeney helped me immensely -- she and I are just on the same wavelength I think -- she puts up with my neuroses and helps me so much. I told her that at least I try to be entertaining at the same time :)

One thing that did hit home when I saw her yesterday was the fact that Dr. Smith, the plastic surgeon, really is doing my surgery essentially for free. She said that she was surprised the lower fee he offered would even cover his expenses because this is a rather extensive tummy tuck. That makes me feel so amazingly blessed. I feel like I should be a bit guilty too, but I'm just trying to be thankful and keep the emotions surrounding this experience positive.

Today was the field trip to the hospital and CJ was cracking me up -- when we first got there he kept exclaiming "Wow, this place looks JUST like a hotel!!!" He's such a sweet kid. I love them both so much, and I'm sooo lucky to have them. But we saw some brand new babies today and I'm proud to report that I had no yearning what-so-ever for any more of them! Yay!

I'm happy that I've been eating well this week. I haven't gotten on the scale in four days and won't until Saturday AM for the official WI, but I'm thinking I'll be down at least a little. I love the feeling when I know I'm eating clean, and counting EVERYTHING.

If anyone wants contact info on either of my great docs, let me know and I'll give it to you, or you can just Google Dr. Denise Sweeney (ob/gyn) and Dr. Gary Smith (plastic surgeon) in Roseville, California.

To Gym, or Not To Gym; that is the question....

I'm fresh from the gym this morning, and during my workout I was wondering how long I have to wait to work out. Another question for my list for the doc. I love the gym -- I love my time there. I love the sweat dripping off my short hair at the nape of my neck and making dots on my t-shirt. I love the ring of sweat around my neck. Such a great sense of accomplishment. I don't want to let go of that too long so that I don't risk losing it all together.

One week and counting and I need to make a list of everything I need to get done. The week is busy to begin with so I'm getting worried I won't get it all done. At least I was smart and did the carpet/couch cleaning a week or two ago. I'm also working within the kitchen on a daily basis.

The scale is really pissing me off this morning. I'm sore from my "WAVE" workout, but it's really frustrating that the scale isn't cooperating. I just wanted to be down to my lowest weight at surgery, but right now I'm six pounds over it. It's really pissing me off. But I guess the only thing I can really do is keep doing what I'm doing: exercising, trying to eat okay and journal. I'm really not overeating that much -- I'm journaling everything which is key and I'm not eating horribly. Oh well, just keep on keeping on as my buddies say.

Nerves are starting to show

So, my excitement is toning down, and the nerves are starting to show through. It's tough, but I'm really glad I'm still mainly excited. I realized that the recovery is going to be pretty tough, and I have an insane week or two afterwards to navigate. I realized this after getting REALLY sore from my new workout tapes/equipment LOL It hurt so bad, but then I had the epiphany that DUH surgery will hurt way worse.

I have pre-op with the GYN side of things on Wednesday and I have to write down all of my questions so I don't forget any. Ed is out of town this week, so I have to fly solo on this pre-op too, so I'm nervous about forgetting stuff ;) The main thing is the bloodwork I think I need to have drawn before surgery.

Also, this week CJ and I get to go on a field trip with his class to the very hospital where I'm having surgery. Kinda neat!

Anyway, just starting to feel the nerves, but still way stoked. I'm sure I'll check in again pre-surgery.

Oh my goodness.... befores

Okay, so here's the clothed before. I'm wearing Old Navy crops (size 12) and Old Navy cami and top. I wear a lot of these kinds of tops because they're loose around my belly, but this picture is a great example of why they are sometimes not flattering. Six months pregnant anyone??? Yea, not so much, I'm having those parts REMOVED actually ;)




Here is the beloved "over belly" Not much to say other than that..... It's so beloved. And yes, I got a nice sunburn yesterday. CJ called it a "collar" this morning.... ROFLMAO




Also, note the snugness of the lower belly area in the crop pants. I will make sure to wear these for later "afters" to show a true comparison.







Here I SWEAR I'm wearing underwear. They're nude colored, and you can hardly see them due to the beautimous apron I'm sporting. Yes, the apron of fat and skin. Note, my legs are pretty decent, only a tiny bit of fat left to come off of them, and if it stays I'm not gonna be upset. I actually kinda dig my legs.

















Evidence I'm actually wearing underwear LOL. I actually like the side shot because I feel like it's most effective to show what the doctor is going to do. My c-section scar is below my apron at the top of the pubic area (where most c-section scars are). They're going to cut there, and cut at my belly button (the crease between what I refer to as my upper and lower bellies) and just remove that entire "loaf" of skin..... Yes I have some odd terminology. I'm trying to entertain myself and not gross myself out too much. So, that loaf is being removed, then the top bit is going to be pulled down and connected. At that point he's going to move my belly button so it's in the right place. I asked about the bit of substance that's still there in my upper belly and the doc said he's going to "thin out the bit of fat that's still there" -- I was concerned I might have this annoying thing sticking out there, and he said that's NOT going to happen if there's anything he can do about it.

If you have any questions about the pics or the surgery plan, please feel free to leave a comment and I'll answer it.

Hope I haven't grossed you all out that much....

You can't say I didn't Warn you!

Here's your fair warning.... before pics are on my to do list today. They may not be up till tomorrow or the following day, but this is your official warning because I'm sure they won't be pretty.

I call this thing an apron for a reason....

When I post the befores I will also explain what the doc said he's planning to do.

See you soon!

The countdown begins!

15 days and counting. And it's a BUSY 15 days!

Almost every day on the calendar has something between now and the surgery, and the week after we have a houseguest for a week, and I'm usually the one who does the house cleaning. Thankfully DH took the week of the surgery off of work so he can wrangle the kids and hopefully clean the house before our beloved Maria comes to visit.

We're prepping for Caroline's party on the 31st, and have most of the 'paper goods' set, but are thinking we need some outdoor seating too. We're going to serve hotdogs and hamburgers and chips and sodas -- cheap and easy hopefully. We've already stocked up on soda, but Safeway's having an AMAZING sale, so it's tough to not buy more while it's this cheap LOL

Tomorrow I go to Dr. Smith's office and have my "before" pictures taken. I think I'm going to take my own before pics tomorrow too, and may post them here, or may create a separate blog to post them in because I'm guessing they really won't be pretty. I'm excited to go see Dr. Smith and thank him profusely, and ask a few little questions I have. I'm wondering about "drains" and also about the weight that is in my apron, I'm pretty sure it's just fat deposits, but am curious to confirm that and confirm they'll just be cut off and discarded too. Also curious if there are other adjacent fat deposits he'll be excising.

His nurse was kind enough to let me know that he loves cookies so I'm going to stop off and pick some up before my appointment for him and his staff. I think I'm going to call and ask about it now and see if I need to pre-order.

Inspired by a fellow Zonie

Jess, I'm sure you know who you are ;)

Jessica's list of 100 reasons to lose weight inspired me from the first reason, to the very last. I had some time on my hands on my flight home from Atlanta and figured I'd write down the 100 reasons why I'm happy -- why I'm glad I chose to do this, to re-craft myself. Hopefully they'll make some sense to those of you other than just me ;)

1. Modeling positive emotional behavior for my children.
2. Modeling positive physical behavior for my children.
3. Showing myself that I am more than I ever knew. And less!
4. Creating a new me from scratch, keeping only the flaws I like.
5. Showing my husband that I finally understand why he loves me.
6. Showing and/or telling anyone who listens that they can do it too.
7. It's great to miss the gym after 4 days of vacation. And walking on the treadmill at my sister's house one of those days.
8. Not wondering who I'm smaller than anymore (you know, walking around the mall/grocery/Target looking at others wondering who I look like, who I am smaller than, who I am bigger than).
9. Airplane seats -- they're roomy now!
10. The couch -- I don't feel like I take up more than my share unless I'm stretched out or being a couch hog on purpose.
11. My sister's aerobed -- I honestly would have worried about deflating it while I slept before, no matter how sturdy those things are.
12. Finagling a 65 pound suitcase up, then back down two flights of stairs.
13. Splurging is such a treat now, much more special because it's not an everyday thing.
14. The look on people's faces I haven't seen in years.
15. Not flinching at the idea of two flights of stairs.
16. The time spent only on ME at the gym.
17. Believing other when they compliment me.
18. Fitting comfortably in car seats.
19. Being able to tie my shoes in the middle, not all the way over to the inside edge.
20. Being able to hug my legs to my chest.
21. Not being the heaviest one in the family.
22. Weighing less than my husband for the first time in nearly 15 years.
23. Being honest with myself.
24. Being selfish in a good way.
25. Knowing I am strong enough.
26. Embracing both the pride and the shame. I earned them both equally.
27. Crossing my legs like a lady.
28. Not being satisfied with 30 minutes of exercise.
29. Loving fruits and veggies more than ever before.
30. Feeling refreshed after naps instead of more tired.
31. Succeeding completely at a wholly personal task.
32. Inspiring others (hopefully).
33. Not letting anything get in my way, long term at least.
34. Going up the stairs at home and never being out of breath.
35. Relishing the idea of a long walk with the dog -- minus the pollen though!
36. Making my bed -- I never could do it without getting winded before.
37. Shaving my legs.
38. Fitting easily into my walk-in closet (it's small, and I used to turn sideways to get into it).
39. Rubbing off on my kids (they drink crystal light instead of apple juice now).
40. Not driving thru much at all anymore.
41. Thinking there's nothing much better than a fresh, crisp Fuji apple.
42. Not minding having a can of peas for dinner.
43. Knowing I can't eat out at a Mexican restaurant and expect a good result.
44. Having a normal stomach/digestive system.
45. Being able to wear heels again with at least a modicum of comfort involved.
46. Shopping at places like Anthropologie, Banana Republic, etc.
47. Snoring less, according to DH!
48. Thinking people are insane to drink 2% milk instead of skim.
49. Discovering Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Breeze and oatmeal.
50. Enjoying my PB2 -- guilt free!!!
51. I'd much rather be the stinky one (extra fiber makes me toot! ROFL!) than the fat one.
52. Being fine with still being the heaviest of my sisters.
53. Being able to love others better because I love myself.
54. Using the gift of words to be able to process this all.
55. Needing a tummy tuck.
56. GETTING a tummy tuck! Thanks so much Dr. Smith! You're amazing!
57. Having two vegetables served with dinner and having it be normal.
58. Fat Free Sugar Free pudding and Fat Free Cool Whip for dessert, or snack, or on some weird days, breakfast....
59. Alternative bagels.
60. Not feeling guilty anymore when my husband picks me up.
61. Not worrying about embarassing my kids for being the "fat mom".
62. For no longer being the girl who "eats all the food" -- long story LOL
63. Being happy with more than one part of my body.
64. Knowing I'll never be "done" with this.
65. Shrinking out of gym clothes.
66. Shrinking out of swimsuits (third year in a row I'll need a new size!)
67. Shrinking out of my Spanx.
68. Not standing out for a bad reason -- usually
69. Friends who now mean so much to me like KarenS, Dotti and Al, Maria P, and all my zonie buddies.
70. Doing this for one reason, and one reason only.... myself!
71. Playing in the snow without hyperventilating.
72. Understanding what a REAL portion size is.
73. Not having people recognize me anymore.
74. Seeing the pride in my mother's eyes.
75. Seeing the pride in Teresa's eyes -- my step-mom.
76. My husband having at least an idea of how hard this is.
77. Owning a size 10 and fitting into it!
78. Realizing that maybe a size Large is too big (but it depends!)
79. Every now and then, embracing the pride and ignoring the shame.
80. Showing the "bad guys" that I'm stronger than them.
81. Having my driver's license serve as my "before" photo.
82. Finding out that Lucky Jeans, True Religion Jeans and 7 For All Mankind jeans totally ROCK!
83. Having a gym wardrobe that is larger than my "real" wardrobe.
84. Different sneakers for different activities.
85. Not being afraid of a camera anymore.
86. Knowing that I need my inhaler if I'm having trouble breathing and it's not just me.....
87. Not needing blood pressure meds.
88. Feeling hugely guilty for not going to the gym.
89. Choosing to move instead of sit (like during the layover at the airport).
90. Being in less pain every day.
91. Feeling my sweat pants slip down my hips during a workout.
92. Knowing I had it in me all along.
93. Needing to eat every couple hours.
94. Feeling like a grilled chicken sandwich is a splurge (drive thru choice is ALWAYS a salad now!)
95. Knowing that I'm not THAT special, and being happy about it.
96. Hating the treadmill, it doesn't burn enough calories!
97. Knowing how easy it is to get back on the wagon.
98. Setting a good example instead of a bad one.
99. Knowing within my heart that being off the wagon isn't worth it.
100. Knowing the the first 99 reasons are just the beginning.

Yay, another NVC....

That stands for Norwegian Viking chick!!! I'm sooo excited that Caroline's mom is coming to visit us!!!!!!!!! Really truly excited to meet her and share stories and just get to know this really cool lady that I haven't met in person yet. Also, I'm excited that she gets to come for some of the best parts of the year like graduation, the late spring when it's beautiful, etc. Just great news all around.

I'm happy to report that on Friday I got to call both the gyn's office and the plastic surgeon's office and tell them that I WILL be going ahead with the abdominoplasty along with the hysterectomy. They are coordinating their schedules and I should have a prospective surgery date in the next couple business days.

Then.... this week we get to go to Atlanta to visit my big sister Amy and her new husband Matt (and don't forget Bray and Kyleigh!!!) I'm excited to see all of them, and have a great time in the ATL. I've never been, and Caroline and I plan to have a great time (with Susy and Roger too, of course!)

Good friends and good news

Well, my buds all said that the dream wasn't dead; it shouldn't be dead; it could still come true someday. I believed the someday part, but had no clue it would be TODAY.

Thsi morning I took my beloved and hilarious daughter to preschool, ran home and realized I had a voice mail. I checked my messages and Candace from the plastic surgeon's office called to say that she wanted me to call her back and she had something she thought I'd want to hear to tell me. Honestly I was a bit hesitant. I've been having a very hard time letting go of the idea of getting the tuck done. Very hard. Immensely hard. I kinda wanted to just pretend that the doctor's office fell off the face of the earth so I could try to ignore it. But, I called her right back anyway, she was so nice when I saw and talked to her before, and figured it couldn't be WORSE than the quote I couldn't afford.

She said that the doctor had never done this in her time with him, but he was moved by my story and wanted to see if he could lower his fee to the minimum to recover his costs so that I might be able to afford the surgery. His fee dropped from what was a fair but not-feasible for us currently fee of $4500 to just $2000. As soon as she told me this she pointed out that I would still need to pay a bit of OR fees and a bit of anesthesia fees, but I already knew that part and it wasn't horrible. I started shaking. I mean, really truly shaking. Thinking about it again now I'm starting to shake again.

My husband has now said that I can do it. We have ways to finagle it (hello escrow account cashout, etc.) and I'm hoping my husband doesn't play this to his advantage. Trust me, you don't wanna know. But either way I'm actually thinking this might happen. I'm ecstatic. And you poor people reading this.... you're going to have access to some icky, nasty, horrible before, and less icky, nasty, horrible after photos.

Today was a good day.

Oh, and per my daughter, the light side of the moon is best because the the aliens who live there like to stay on the dark side.

The Death of the Dream

We just got the call from the surgeon's office to give us one preliminary set of costs, and the simplest way to put it is that the dream is now dead. There's no way we can figure out how to pay for it.

I feel like the universe has been setting me up for disappointment -- it's been a nice couple weeks with good news/situations sprinkled around. I appreciate the bracing for impact, but I don't so much appreciate the fact that it's all over -- all the hoping and believing and dreaming and hoping, and hoping. And did I mention hoping? I'd actually started hoping that I might be worth this, that I might be able to complete my tranformation and not feel like a complete and utter freak.

It's like the world is trying to tell me that I'm great for doing this, for transforming myself, but there's no way with my karmic background that I can justify actually completing the change. It seems like I'll forever be stuck with this body that I've ruined. And I didn't just ruin a foot, or a hand, no, I ruined the front and center portion. The part that is there in all it's glory in everything that I do, all day, every day.

The good news is I DON'T have the urge to comfort myself with food. I'm having a can of peas for lunch.... sad but true.

And the insanity continues

Well, I've visited with a plastic surgeon, and my gyn. And everyone keeps telling me how much benefit I'll see from this possible abdominoplasty/panniculectomy. I'm offically down 72 pounds now -- unofficially closer to 80, and I've worked so hard and learned so much, and am so so so proud of myself, I really want the entirety of body to reflect this.

We're hoping that by combining the plastic surgery aspect with the impending hysterectomy (leaving the ovaries for another decade or so....) that it will make it more cost effective and possibly therefore feasible. There's no news yet, and I'm really nervous. It's not helping much that everyone is saying how much of a difference the surgery would make. For someone who's lost this little I have an abnormally large "apron," I think. I'll post pics eventually. Have to get the guts first. If I DO have the surgery, I'll end up posting all the info and pics. I know how much the stories of others have helped me emotionally, so I'd like to put my story out there in case it might help someone else.

I'm happy right now, and I'm embracing it. I'm doing well in school, I'm loving my kids, I'm having good weigh-ins, and I'm getting amazing feedback on my weight loss. When I first saw my gyn after losing most of the weight she was sooo sweet. I saw her this Thursday (two months after the last time) for her to measure my pannus, and she was so emphatic that I was going to look amazing afterwards. The hard part is hearing that and knowing the cost may prohibit me from seeing the result.

Pride and shame. I absolutley love my gyn -- I mentioned that to her and she totally understood, and is sooo positive. I always joke that it's odd that I'm so happy to go see my girlie doctor, but I do. I really hope this works out.

Working for work....

I'm taking a Pharmacy Technician course every Saturday for the next seven months. I'm hoping that it will lead to a good job, but I'm thinking in the mean time it's going to drive me nutty. It's reminding me of my lack of patience with others who don't listen and/or do the expected work. I'm wondering how easy or hard it will be to get a job when I'm done, and that leads to wondering if I want a job anyway. I mean, I know I do, and I have to get one so keep my family afloat, but I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm 31 and I haven't figured that out yet -- kinda sad, eh?

Part of me wants to keep focusing on myself -- be selfish I guess, in essence. I want to make sure I finish this weight loss project, and know that I'm on a stable safe road to maintain it. I want to finish school, and I can do as much as I can online and stay with my kids too. I enjoy being with my kids -- even when they drive me nutty. Of course, when they drive me nutty I don't enjoy it until later ;) I like being able to help out in my son's classroom. I know I have to work, and sooner rather than later, but it doesn't change any of the other things.

As for now, I'm just hoping that someone knocks on my door and offers to pay for my panniculectomy -- and hoping that the doctor I'm seeing next week is a helpful guy who might figure out the cheapest way possible for me to do it because no one is going to come knocking with an offer like that. Fingers crossed, I guess.

School is life

I always liked school (well, except for a bit of fifth grade and a bit of my senior year of high school). So, it makes sense that I still do. I take classes online, and as of last week I'm also enrolled in a Saturday program to get licensed as a Pharmacy Technician. My sincere hope is that this field will allow me to be employed gainfully and contribute to my family's financial standing. My worst fear is that it won't.

I feel like things are spinning and I can't control them. I'm just sitting on the merry-go-round trying not to get motion sick. I guess you could say the main impetus for this life wobble is my lay-off. I felt it coming -- and emotionally I'm past it as much as I can be at this point. But, financially I'm really not past it. I'm still reeling and bitter. And I don't know how to change it. The only idea I had was to do this Pharm Tech program, but I hate putting all my eggs in one basket.

So, now I spend my days with my kids and doing homework; for Pharm Tech and for my other four online classes right now. I love them, and I'm learning a ton, but A's don't pay well. I'm truly enjoying my children, possibly more than I ever have, and I'm so happy about that. And thankful. But after I tuck them in and settle down for homework reality sets in.

Thank heavens for prozac!!!!! Not only the chemical, but the hope that it's distribution might help me get a job! ;)

As for now, I'm chugging along, trying to focus on losing more weight (ooh, that scale ticked me off this morning) and getting good grades and most importantly being the best mom I can be. Those are the things I can control so I will.

An odd transformation

I didn't set out to do this.

Honestly, I wanted some time to myself. Years ago I joined a gym and loved the time I had all to myself when I was there, so I asked my husband if he was okay with me joining a gym. He was totally fine with it, especially seeing as how I was tipping the scales in the upper 230's. He'd never say anything about it, but wasn't going to deny me something that could be helpful.

So, I started doing circuit workouts, and a few videos at my gym. They had a scale in the bathroom, so I braved it once a week. Saturday mornings I'd go for a workout and weigh myself. After three weeks I had lost three pounds. I liked that.

I'm soooo not new to the whole idea of losing weight. I did Jenny Craig when I was a teenager, and even ended up working for them as a counselor and receptionist for a short while. I lost somewhere around 40 pounds with them. I got into the low 170's if I remember correctly. Either that or high 160's. I stayed there for a year or so, then gained it all back, and then some. Sound familiar???

So, back to my workouts: I was enjoying the benefits of the increased activity, and limiting what I ate in a very simplified way. I had a few friends doing Weight Watchers the traditional way, and learned what I could from them before asking my husband if I could join the online version of Weight Watchers. Again, he was for it as it was a positive thing. I learned the basics of the "flex" program while online with the group, and stumbled upon some new friends at a website called Dotti's Weight Loss Zone. I'm proud to call myself a Zonie!

I officially started WW back in late October of 2007. I've been on the program the entire time since then. I have off days, but they aren't many, and usually I've prepared for them (extra exercise or saved up flex points).

I've achieved many things, many goals, since starting this journey. I'm very proud of those accomplishments. But I'm confused.

I don't know myself anymore. I do, I know my mental self, and she'll always be the same person. That's true, I know. However, I don't recognize this person with new motives. New attitudes. New challenges, but ones she truly relishes.

I've turned myself from a size 22-24 into a size 12, but only a 12 and not a 10 or an 8 because of her darn extra apron of skin! (more about that later....) This tranformation has been odd. I've struggled with shame and pride warring with each other on a daily basis. This is something I'm afraid I'll struggle with until I get rid of some of these remnants of what I have done to my body.

I'm not special. I don't want anyone to think that. I don't have the key, I don't have any idea why (emotionally) I turned to food for so long for so many things. I hope to find that out eventually because I think it's the key to keeping myself healthy for a long lifetime, but I don't know it now. I do have new tools though. Tools that are more effective than Jenny Craig's were. (No offense Jenny...)

I've made wiser choices to lead a healthier life, and hopefully teach my children to do the same. Now I have to deal with the ramifications of the choices that came before the wise ones.