Blog Title and Physical Update

First, the physical update: I'm 4.5 weeks post op, and almost completely off of the narcotics -- I actually was off of them for almost a whole week, but then... well read on LOL

Yesterday I visited Dr. Sweeney. I had a great time visiting her as always; I love her positive perspective and great disposition. She was very happy with the progress I'm making at this point (versus two weeks ago) and said she was just going to help the healing process along with the tiny bit I still have that's "open" by cauterizing it. I've had this done before, but not for years so I forgot what it was like. She said it'd sting, so I was surprised that the first bit didn't sting at all. The last bit though, that hurt a bit. Then, it started burning once I got home. The burning last night was enough to make me reach for the Norco, and again just now. Otherwise, I'm happy with it because it is sealing things up very nicely compared to how it was before.

Now the blog title issue: Dr. Sweeney released me to all activities from her end. So officially I'm still only banned from activities by Dr. Smith. I see him next Thursday. I mentioned my gym ban to Dr. Sweeney and she said that as long as I was reasonable, she'd release me to go back slowly, but to talk to Dr. Smith. So, this energized me and encouraged me to spend a bit more effort getting some sanctioned activity in. I took the dog out with Kiera this morning for 20 minutes, then got some wild idea to do it again a bit ago in 90+ degree heat. It's the Norco I guess LOL

Anyway, while I was walking I started thinking about how it was crazy hot, but I was soooo thankful that I had the ability and desire to get out and exercise. It means so much to me to have some quiet time to myself while doing something to better myself. This is partly why I'm not sure who I am anymore.

I feel odd because I'm selfish now. But I like it too much to stop. I hugely enjoy being selfish, and taking care of myself. So much it's almost shameful. But I don't care, I just don't. And that's why I want to get back to the gym so bad, and that's why I don't recognize myself emotionally. I'm used to doing everything for others as much as physically possible, putting my family ahead of myself. But now I'm grappling with the fact that I'm taking better care of them because I care for myself. It reconciles itself, but not easily or neatly. And then I feel a certain level of pride because of what I've done and how much I like who I am now, but then realize that's overwhelmingly selfish, too.

I'm making a concerted effort to at least be thankful for every little thing I have, and have been given. I'm not one to say that's due to one particular entity or being (I dunno who did it, I just know I'm drowning in blessings and therefore gratitude) but it makes me want to thank every actual person, and every power that is on this earth.

I actually like myself. And that's why I don't understand who I am anymore.

A before and after surgery Comparison

Well, I couldn't get the photo to paste in correctly, so I'm just giving you guys a link to the photobucket link -- I didn't want to distort the images too much to make it work here. This is the side view of the belly before and after in one jpeg.

http://i242.photobucket.com/albums/ff252/sssmck/3weeksidecomparison.jpg

Okay, so I just figured out how to do this on Paint. You can't read the notes I put in, but the first photo is one of me in Vegas on my 30th birthday (late July, 2007). The second one is from May 31st, 2009 (aka 5 days post tuck). I tried to get the photos relatively similar in size and was amazed at how much wider the before shot had to be. I've wanted to have a side by side for a while, so it's nice to have this available for my reference. I call the second one "After" but I still intend to lose another 10 pounds or so after all the swelling goes down. I will be adjusting my goal upwards a bit (it was at 145, I'm fiddling with 148-152 range to be my new goal), but I'm satisfied. I'm glad to know I'm NOT done. And really, I'll never be DONE -- which is the best part of all!

Oh and for the record that skirt and shirt were a 22 and a 2x respectively. That dress I'm in in the after is a Medium. I'm not a Medium in everything, but oh boy do I like 'em if they fit ROFL.

Job hunting

So, I just applied for a slew of jobs.

And I realized that I really just want to finish my silly degree already and get a real job. A job like a nurse, or Physican's Assistant. But I have a life. It's kinda frustrating to need money to continue a life, but to have a life in the way of obtaining money.

I want to be a mom, and I want to not stress. I want to be a successful student as I am currently.

So.... any ideas/solutions, I'm open.

Whine is now over, so put away the cheese.

Now back to your regularly scheduled more upbeat blog posts....

3 week 2 day pics

Caution: If you are reading this sentence and don't want to see the post op photos (private parts covered, but still seeing healing belly nastiness, don't scroll down, and/or click on this note in FB!

First, just because she's cute, and not icky in the least.....

Okay, so now I'm starting with clothed photos.... just shot these this morning.

Gotta love my Kierie.... this is front view in a mirror (all are shot in a mirror) with clothes on.

This has to be my favorite -- side view clothed.

Front view of incision. Note the ickiness around the belly button and how the right side (actually IS my right since it's in the mirror) is a bit "angrier" as I say.

This is the "happy side" aka the left hip view. This side is great, hardly any pain left at all, only when I bump into it on accident or something. I'm hoping I'll see more swelling going down in the little "roll" right above the incision as time goes on.

This is the angry side again. The right hip. I have an area about 2.5-3 inches long that is still not fully married/healed, but it's getting much better.

This is the slightly bending shot, see, still have the roll. This is the part that's hard for me emotionally because this is what they took off, but I'm trying to take comfort in the idea that it's only going to get better....

And the healing continues

Well, I'm happy to report that I'm simply healing. Healing healing healing. I have two areas that are a bit behind the rest of the incision, but they're doing okay and making some progress, which is all I can ask. The areas are my belly button and a stretch of the incision near my right hip bone. That one is probably about 3 inches long, and was closer to 5 inches long last week so it's totally making progress.

The scale this morning was friendlier than it has been since surgery, though still not pretty. I'm doing really well with the food right now though, so I'm happy and proud of that. Got the kids to try some new interesting fruits and we're having fun with that. The "donut peaches" are amazing! Gotta stock up and freeze them when they go on sale sometime cause $4/lb is insane!

We're trying to adjust to Caroline being gone. It's really hard for me personally, she is such a great girl, a good friend and a super mature teenager. I already miss her and can tell I will for quite some time. I have a feeling I'll be surfing for cheap tickets to Norway frequently as I dream of visiting her. The kids are glad to have their rooms back, but both have expressed some sadness that she's gone.

On the post-op tip, I intend to take some 3 week pics tomorrow or Wednesday and post them, so hopefully the swelling's getting prettier LOL Til then!

Ix-nay on the 2 week pics

I was intending to take two week progress pics today, but after my visit with my beloved Dr. Sweeney I decided not to do it.

She mentioned exactly what I've noticed, which is I'm a bit behind in the healing. The neo was bad and kinda set me back a bit, then there's one section that kinda split more than the rest (I think I actually FELT it the first week, then it oozed more than the rest the whole time) which isn't "marrying" the way it should. It's all still too "wet" in her words, and verging on infection. She also said it's so "wet" still that it is just asking for a yeast infection, so I'm on to only cotton undergarments and keeping it all exposed as much as possible. Kinda hard when I get cold with most of me uncovered. My poor family watching me walk around with my nasty, icky belly sticking out.

Ed is being so amazing, he's taking CJ to karate, then picking up my Keflex while that's going on. I wish I knew of a way to thank him better than just saying it all the time. At least I made dinner tonight. Though, now I'm down for the evening, I feel good about doing it for the family.

So, the plan will shift to 3 week pics now -- hopefully there will be enough improvement that I'm not too afraid to show you guys. Oh, and I'm kinda depressed about all the swelling -- Dr. S said it also made it look like it was on the verge of infected, so I won't have to show you how much the pooch is sticking out. Dr. Sweeney said it wasn't that much, but I feel so icky! Okay, off to play more Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook and relax. Sometimes I am really good at that game, but usually because Norco is involved, I suck....

Can I just say....

I love my family, and that sooo includes Caroline. She's such a help, and such a sweet girl, and I'm so glad it looks like she'll get to stay a couple extra days.

Right now I'm spending my time alternating between wearing a girdle type garment, or airing out my incisions. It's weird because I'll literally just walk around the house with my belly out, and it's nasty and gross, and this 17 year old isn't holding it against me. My children are kinda grossed out, and that's fine, I try to not make them look, but Caroline could complain and tell me to put it away or whatever, but she's fine with whatever I need to get better and feel better. I'm so lucky to have all these wonderful people in my life and she is one of them, without a doubt.

Right now the healing process is interesting: I have swelling between my main incision and my belly button. This is a bit dismaying for me personally because that's what they actually cut off, that exact area, so to see swelling there that's not huge, but definetly noticable, is disturbing to me.

Due to the "drying out" assignment I now have quite a few scabs, but a few areas that are still kinda icky. One side of my incision seems to not want to "marry" well, and I'm glad I'm going to see Dr. Sweeney Tuesday because I'm sure she'll either address it or reassure me and my paranoia. The belly button is icky looking too, but that's fine. I can see progress with it all on a day to day basis so that's very encouraging.

My first day back at school Saturday was interesting, I had a couple of my class mates actually join me in the restroom to look at my incision. I'm totally cool sharing it and was happy to even hand out Dr. Smith's number to one of them -- I know it by heart, it's an easy phone number LOL. I did okay, class got out about 45 mins early which was great because I was really feeling the day by that point. I did okay with my eating while at school which was good, too.

Today I have a little personal NSV -- that's short hand for "non scale victory" -- I am allowing up to 26 points per day until I see Dr. Sweeney again. I've gone over it almost every day since surgery, and today I only got 23 in. I'm soooo proud. I did well, I made Okay choices and it led to a successful day. I also got in almost all my veggies/fruits, and I got in probably 65-70 ounces of water or more. A win all around. Yay for being on program!!!

Okay, so maybe I overdid it....

I really don't know. But I do know the itching and aching is about as bad as the piercing pain was one day post op. I'm back on full doses of my meds, which I'm a bit bummed about. TMI alert -- I'm oozing annoying amounts (the new fresh tapes are two days old and I already lost one and am on the verge of losing two others), and I'm just plain uncomfortable.
I had DH put the binding garment back on nice and TIGHT. Like Tighter than it's been since I came out of the OR. Hopefully that helps. I'm also commissioning a cup of hot tea right now because I really want to soak in a hot tub, but can't so I'm settling for tea.
I don't get it because today was sooo quiet, I just spent hours doing homework. Maybe it was the annoying chairs, but that doesn't explain it I don't think -- DH mentioned that I've been going like the energizer bunny since surgery, but honestly it didn't hurt at the time, and when it did hurt I stopped and rested.
Tomorrow is Caroline's graduation, so hopefully I'm okay enough to sit through that. It's so odd that they're forecasting storms, maybe even thunderstorms. They have no place to hold the graduation if there's thunder so they may have to reschedule. That'd be sad just because Maria has to go home early Saturday.
Moral of the story is I'm just chugging along, taking meds and attempting to rest. I AM getting a lot of good reading done though! I highly recommend "Hep-Cats, Narcs and Pipe Dreams" by Jill Jonnes. I'm almost done with it. Mom suggested it because of the pharmacy tech school, and it's fascinating!
Okay, off to rest and feel better.

The good, the bad and the ugly

So, I figured the whole point of blogging this experience is to share the good stuff, the bad stuff, the weird stuff and all of those angles that might not be known to others thinking about this. In that vein, I'm going to address the ugly parts for a moment. Before I get there though let me point out that I am still exceedingly happy with how things are going, I'm just hitting a few speed bumps as it were....

Okay, so I had my one week post-op appt. with Dr. Smith today. They removed my staples (I thought they were stitches, and found out they were staples when the steri strips came off yesterday) which pinched, and was annoying because there were so darn many of them, then they looked at my bellybutton. I had been putting some Neosporin on the incision sites because it was cooling and had the added "pain reliever", but it turns out that I shouldn't have done that. Some of the ingredients in the Neo give rashes, which are now evident in some areas around my staple marks. So, no more Neo. No worries.

The other weird thing was my belly button -- the tape hadn't come off but it was pretty painful last night so I TOOK the tapes off, and it looked like I had a section that was kinda pus-infested. Turns out it was a scab, not pus, but that meant that I had put a ton of Neo on it and it didn't need it -- it actually made it a bit worse. So my new fake belly button hurts today. Oh well. Not the end of the world.

I also really want to shower every day, but I'm trying not to get the tapes too wet, but the hot water feels so darn good.

Otherwise, on the hyster angle I'm seeing very few indications I even had it! Kinda nice! I had one hot flash, but that was to be expected. I was told I could see random ones here and there, but only one and they're not that bad, as I'd had them before when I was on the Depo treatment.

Last night was tough too, because my bruising is slipping down my body to my thighs which makes them really uncomfortable, and it's extremely hard to get in a place that is comfortable. So tough, but really I keep reminding myself that in the grand scheme of things it's great. The one amazing thing to hear from the doctor is that things are looking good for being one week out, and then that the swelling will only keep going down. That part amazes me. I'm still going to get smaller! Holy crap!

You know, how they say people when they lose weight don't realize what they're losing? They still see themselves as fat and not thin? They don't really comprehend what they've done to change their bodies? Well, when I got settled in the 160's was when I got my haircut, and started really recognizing the differences in my body. I like it, I enjoy it. Now, I'm dealing with the whole, "Half my stomach is missing... hmmm.... that's odd" I still think it's there. Mentally, I'm still carrying it around -- which isn't really helped by the binding garment so I'm going to find a girdle-y thing to "step down" into as Dr. Smith said. Hopefully that will make it a little bit more concrete for me. We'll see.

The other last challenge for me, has been my eating. I'm not doing horribly, and I'm glad for that part, but with guests and events and so much going on around me there's so much "not good" to eat. Today we went out to lunch and it was hard to make a good choice with seven other people all having milk shakes and cheeseburgers. I know how to make the good choices, and I don't understand why I can't do it now. My big thing is to make sure that I end up getting back on the wagon. I think the best idea for me is to plan my entire day for tomorrow. I think I can do that tonight. That will be my goal. The family leaves tomorrow afternoon so it will be easy to stay op -- just stay upstairs away from the fridge! :) Good plan, I think I can handle that!

Pic from Caro's Party

Here's the photo of Maria, me and Caroline at her farewell party yesterday. Had a great time, ate a bit too much and am glad to be back eating "clean" this morning!

And I can't NOT include a photo of the beautiful cake Maria made us for her party. OMG it was so freaking delicious!!!!