Blog Title and Physical Update

First, the physical update: I'm 4.5 weeks post op, and almost completely off of the narcotics -- I actually was off of them for almost a whole week, but then... well read on LOL

Yesterday I visited Dr. Sweeney. I had a great time visiting her as always; I love her positive perspective and great disposition. She was very happy with the progress I'm making at this point (versus two weeks ago) and said she was just going to help the healing process along with the tiny bit I still have that's "open" by cauterizing it. I've had this done before, but not for years so I forgot what it was like. She said it'd sting, so I was surprised that the first bit didn't sting at all. The last bit though, that hurt a bit. Then, it started burning once I got home. The burning last night was enough to make me reach for the Norco, and again just now. Otherwise, I'm happy with it because it is sealing things up very nicely compared to how it was before.

Now the blog title issue: Dr. Sweeney released me to all activities from her end. So officially I'm still only banned from activities by Dr. Smith. I see him next Thursday. I mentioned my gym ban to Dr. Sweeney and she said that as long as I was reasonable, she'd release me to go back slowly, but to talk to Dr. Smith. So, this energized me and encouraged me to spend a bit more effort getting some sanctioned activity in. I took the dog out with Kiera this morning for 20 minutes, then got some wild idea to do it again a bit ago in 90+ degree heat. It's the Norco I guess LOL

Anyway, while I was walking I started thinking about how it was crazy hot, but I was soooo thankful that I had the ability and desire to get out and exercise. It means so much to me to have some quiet time to myself while doing something to better myself. This is partly why I'm not sure who I am anymore.

I feel odd because I'm selfish now. But I like it too much to stop. I hugely enjoy being selfish, and taking care of myself. So much it's almost shameful. But I don't care, I just don't. And that's why I want to get back to the gym so bad, and that's why I don't recognize myself emotionally. I'm used to doing everything for others as much as physically possible, putting my family ahead of myself. But now I'm grappling with the fact that I'm taking better care of them because I care for myself. It reconciles itself, but not easily or neatly. And then I feel a certain level of pride because of what I've done and how much I like who I am now, but then realize that's overwhelmingly selfish, too.

I'm making a concerted effort to at least be thankful for every little thing I have, and have been given. I'm not one to say that's due to one particular entity or being (I dunno who did it, I just know I'm drowning in blessings and therefore gratitude) but it makes me want to thank every actual person, and every power that is on this earth.

I actually like myself. And that's why I don't understand who I am anymore.