I'm taking a Pharmacy Technician course every Saturday for the next seven months. I'm hoping that it will lead to a good job, but I'm thinking in the mean time it's going to drive me nutty. It's reminding me of my lack of patience with others who don't listen and/or do the expected work. I'm wondering how easy or hard it will be to get a job when I'm done, and that leads to wondering if I want a job anyway. I mean, I know I do, and I have to get one so keep my family afloat, but I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm 31 and I haven't figured that out yet -- kinda sad, eh?
Part of me wants to keep focusing on myself -- be selfish I guess, in essence. I want to make sure I finish this weight loss project, and know that I'm on a stable safe road to maintain it. I want to finish school, and I can do as much as I can online and stay with my kids too. I enjoy being with my kids -- even when they drive me nutty. Of course, when they drive me nutty I don't enjoy it until later ;) I like being able to help out in my son's classroom. I know I have to work, and sooner rather than later, but it doesn't change any of the other things.
As for now, I'm just hoping that someone knocks on my door and offers to pay for my panniculectomy -- and hoping that the doctor I'm seeing next week is a helpful guy who might figure out the cheapest way possible for me to do it because no one is going to come knocking with an offer like that. Fingers crossed, I guess.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
School is life
I always liked school (well, except for a bit of fifth grade and a bit of my senior year of high school). So, it makes sense that I still do. I take classes online, and as of last week I'm also enrolled in a Saturday program to get licensed as a Pharmacy Technician. My sincere hope is that this field will allow me to be employed gainfully and contribute to my family's financial standing. My worst fear is that it won't.
I feel like things are spinning and I can't control them. I'm just sitting on the merry-go-round trying not to get motion sick. I guess you could say the main impetus for this life wobble is my lay-off. I felt it coming -- and emotionally I'm past it as much as I can be at this point. But, financially I'm really not past it. I'm still reeling and bitter. And I don't know how to change it. The only idea I had was to do this Pharm Tech program, but I hate putting all my eggs in one basket.
So, now I spend my days with my kids and doing homework; for Pharm Tech and for my other four online classes right now. I love them, and I'm learning a ton, but A's don't pay well. I'm truly enjoying my children, possibly more than I ever have, and I'm so happy about that. And thankful. But after I tuck them in and settle down for homework reality sets in.
Thank heavens for prozac!!!!! Not only the chemical, but the hope that it's distribution might help me get a job! ;)
As for now, I'm chugging along, trying to focus on losing more weight (ooh, that scale ticked me off this morning) and getting good grades and most importantly being the best mom I can be. Those are the things I can control so I will.
I feel like things are spinning and I can't control them. I'm just sitting on the merry-go-round trying not to get motion sick. I guess you could say the main impetus for this life wobble is my lay-off. I felt it coming -- and emotionally I'm past it as much as I can be at this point. But, financially I'm really not past it. I'm still reeling and bitter. And I don't know how to change it. The only idea I had was to do this Pharm Tech program, but I hate putting all my eggs in one basket.
So, now I spend my days with my kids and doing homework; for Pharm Tech and for my other four online classes right now. I love them, and I'm learning a ton, but A's don't pay well. I'm truly enjoying my children, possibly more than I ever have, and I'm so happy about that. And thankful. But after I tuck them in and settle down for homework reality sets in.
Thank heavens for prozac!!!!! Not only the chemical, but the hope that it's distribution might help me get a job! ;)
As for now, I'm chugging along, trying to focus on losing more weight (ooh, that scale ticked me off this morning) and getting good grades and most importantly being the best mom I can be. Those are the things I can control so I will.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
An odd transformation
I didn't set out to do this.
Honestly, I wanted some time to myself. Years ago I joined a gym and loved the time I had all to myself when I was there, so I asked my husband if he was okay with me joining a gym. He was totally fine with it, especially seeing as how I was tipping the scales in the upper 230's. He'd never say anything about it, but wasn't going to deny me something that could be helpful.
So, I started doing circuit workouts, and a few videos at my gym. They had a scale in the bathroom, so I braved it once a week. Saturday mornings I'd go for a workout and weigh myself. After three weeks I had lost three pounds. I liked that.
I'm soooo not new to the whole idea of losing weight. I did Jenny Craig when I was a teenager, and even ended up working for them as a counselor and receptionist for a short while. I lost somewhere around 40 pounds with them. I got into the low 170's if I remember correctly. Either that or high 160's. I stayed there for a year or so, then gained it all back, and then some. Sound familiar???
So, back to my workouts: I was enjoying the benefits of the increased activity, and limiting what I ate in a very simplified way. I had a few friends doing Weight Watchers the traditional way, and learned what I could from them before asking my husband if I could join the online version of Weight Watchers. Again, he was for it as it was a positive thing. I learned the basics of the "flex" program while online with the group, and stumbled upon some new friends at a website called Dotti's Weight Loss Zone. I'm proud to call myself a Zonie!
I officially started WW back in late October of 2007. I've been on the program the entire time since then. I have off days, but they aren't many, and usually I've prepared for them (extra exercise or saved up flex points).
I've achieved many things, many goals, since starting this journey. I'm very proud of those accomplishments. But I'm confused.
I don't know myself anymore. I do, I know my mental self, and she'll always be the same person. That's true, I know. However, I don't recognize this person with new motives. New attitudes. New challenges, but ones she truly relishes.
I've turned myself from a size 22-24 into a size 12, but only a 12 and not a 10 or an 8 because of her darn extra apron of skin! (more about that later....) This tranformation has been odd. I've struggled with shame and pride warring with each other on a daily basis. This is something I'm afraid I'll struggle with until I get rid of some of these remnants of what I have done to my body.
I'm not special. I don't want anyone to think that. I don't have the key, I don't have any idea why (emotionally) I turned to food for so long for so many things. I hope to find that out eventually because I think it's the key to keeping myself healthy for a long lifetime, but I don't know it now. I do have new tools though. Tools that are more effective than Jenny Craig's were. (No offense Jenny...)
I've made wiser choices to lead a healthier life, and hopefully teach my children to do the same. Now I have to deal with the ramifications of the choices that came before the wise ones.
Honestly, I wanted some time to myself. Years ago I joined a gym and loved the time I had all to myself when I was there, so I asked my husband if he was okay with me joining a gym. He was totally fine with it, especially seeing as how I was tipping the scales in the upper 230's. He'd never say anything about it, but wasn't going to deny me something that could be helpful.
So, I started doing circuit workouts, and a few videos at my gym. They had a scale in the bathroom, so I braved it once a week. Saturday mornings I'd go for a workout and weigh myself. After three weeks I had lost three pounds. I liked that.
I'm soooo not new to the whole idea of losing weight. I did Jenny Craig when I was a teenager, and even ended up working for them as a counselor and receptionist for a short while. I lost somewhere around 40 pounds with them. I got into the low 170's if I remember correctly. Either that or high 160's. I stayed there for a year or so, then gained it all back, and then some. Sound familiar???
So, back to my workouts: I was enjoying the benefits of the increased activity, and limiting what I ate in a very simplified way. I had a few friends doing Weight Watchers the traditional way, and learned what I could from them before asking my husband if I could join the online version of Weight Watchers. Again, he was for it as it was a positive thing. I learned the basics of the "flex" program while online with the group, and stumbled upon some new friends at a website called Dotti's Weight Loss Zone. I'm proud to call myself a Zonie!
I officially started WW back in late October of 2007. I've been on the program the entire time since then. I have off days, but they aren't many, and usually I've prepared for them (extra exercise or saved up flex points).
I've achieved many things, many goals, since starting this journey. I'm very proud of those accomplishments. But I'm confused.
I don't know myself anymore. I do, I know my mental self, and she'll always be the same person. That's true, I know. However, I don't recognize this person with new motives. New attitudes. New challenges, but ones she truly relishes.
I've turned myself from a size 22-24 into a size 12, but only a 12 and not a 10 or an 8 because of her darn extra apron of skin! (more about that later....) This tranformation has been odd. I've struggled with shame and pride warring with each other on a daily basis. This is something I'm afraid I'll struggle with until I get rid of some of these remnants of what I have done to my body.
I'm not special. I don't want anyone to think that. I don't have the key, I don't have any idea why (emotionally) I turned to food for so long for so many things. I hope to find that out eventually because I think it's the key to keeping myself healthy for a long lifetime, but I don't know it now. I do have new tools though. Tools that are more effective than Jenny Craig's were. (No offense Jenny...)
I've made wiser choices to lead a healthier life, and hopefully teach my children to do the same. Now I have to deal with the ramifications of the choices that came before the wise ones.
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