An odd transformation

I didn't set out to do this.

Honestly, I wanted some time to myself. Years ago I joined a gym and loved the time I had all to myself when I was there, so I asked my husband if he was okay with me joining a gym. He was totally fine with it, especially seeing as how I was tipping the scales in the upper 230's. He'd never say anything about it, but wasn't going to deny me something that could be helpful.

So, I started doing circuit workouts, and a few videos at my gym. They had a scale in the bathroom, so I braved it once a week. Saturday mornings I'd go for a workout and weigh myself. After three weeks I had lost three pounds. I liked that.

I'm soooo not new to the whole idea of losing weight. I did Jenny Craig when I was a teenager, and even ended up working for them as a counselor and receptionist for a short while. I lost somewhere around 40 pounds with them. I got into the low 170's if I remember correctly. Either that or high 160's. I stayed there for a year or so, then gained it all back, and then some. Sound familiar???

So, back to my workouts: I was enjoying the benefits of the increased activity, and limiting what I ate in a very simplified way. I had a few friends doing Weight Watchers the traditional way, and learned what I could from them before asking my husband if I could join the online version of Weight Watchers. Again, he was for it as it was a positive thing. I learned the basics of the "flex" program while online with the group, and stumbled upon some new friends at a website called Dotti's Weight Loss Zone. I'm proud to call myself a Zonie!

I officially started WW back in late October of 2007. I've been on the program the entire time since then. I have off days, but they aren't many, and usually I've prepared for them (extra exercise or saved up flex points).

I've achieved many things, many goals, since starting this journey. I'm very proud of those accomplishments. But I'm confused.

I don't know myself anymore. I do, I know my mental self, and she'll always be the same person. That's true, I know. However, I don't recognize this person with new motives. New attitudes. New challenges, but ones she truly relishes.

I've turned myself from a size 22-24 into a size 12, but only a 12 and not a 10 or an 8 because of her darn extra apron of skin! (more about that later....) This tranformation has been odd. I've struggled with shame and pride warring with each other on a daily basis. This is something I'm afraid I'll struggle with until I get rid of some of these remnants of what I have done to my body.

I'm not special. I don't want anyone to think that. I don't have the key, I don't have any idea why (emotionally) I turned to food for so long for so many things. I hope to find that out eventually because I think it's the key to keeping myself healthy for a long lifetime, but I don't know it now. I do have new tools though. Tools that are more effective than Jenny Craig's were. (No offense Jenny...)

I've made wiser choices to lead a healthier life, and hopefully teach my children to do the same. Now I have to deal with the ramifications of the choices that came before the wise ones.