Inspired by a fellow Zonie

Jess, I'm sure you know who you are ;)

Jessica's list of 100 reasons to lose weight inspired me from the first reason, to the very last. I had some time on my hands on my flight home from Atlanta and figured I'd write down the 100 reasons why I'm happy -- why I'm glad I chose to do this, to re-craft myself. Hopefully they'll make some sense to those of you other than just me ;)

1. Modeling positive emotional behavior for my children.
2. Modeling positive physical behavior for my children.
3. Showing myself that I am more than I ever knew. And less!
4. Creating a new me from scratch, keeping only the flaws I like.
5. Showing my husband that I finally understand why he loves me.
6. Showing and/or telling anyone who listens that they can do it too.
7. It's great to miss the gym after 4 days of vacation. And walking on the treadmill at my sister's house one of those days.
8. Not wondering who I'm smaller than anymore (you know, walking around the mall/grocery/Target looking at others wondering who I look like, who I am smaller than, who I am bigger than).
9. Airplane seats -- they're roomy now!
10. The couch -- I don't feel like I take up more than my share unless I'm stretched out or being a couch hog on purpose.
11. My sister's aerobed -- I honestly would have worried about deflating it while I slept before, no matter how sturdy those things are.
12. Finagling a 65 pound suitcase up, then back down two flights of stairs.
13. Splurging is such a treat now, much more special because it's not an everyday thing.
14. The look on people's faces I haven't seen in years.
15. Not flinching at the idea of two flights of stairs.
16. The time spent only on ME at the gym.
17. Believing other when they compliment me.
18. Fitting comfortably in car seats.
19. Being able to tie my shoes in the middle, not all the way over to the inside edge.
20. Being able to hug my legs to my chest.
21. Not being the heaviest one in the family.
22. Weighing less than my husband for the first time in nearly 15 years.
23. Being honest with myself.
24. Being selfish in a good way.
25. Knowing I am strong enough.
26. Embracing both the pride and the shame. I earned them both equally.
27. Crossing my legs like a lady.
28. Not being satisfied with 30 minutes of exercise.
29. Loving fruits and veggies more than ever before.
30. Feeling refreshed after naps instead of more tired.
31. Succeeding completely at a wholly personal task.
32. Inspiring others (hopefully).
33. Not letting anything get in my way, long term at least.
34. Going up the stairs at home and never being out of breath.
35. Relishing the idea of a long walk with the dog -- minus the pollen though!
36. Making my bed -- I never could do it without getting winded before.
37. Shaving my legs.
38. Fitting easily into my walk-in closet (it's small, and I used to turn sideways to get into it).
39. Rubbing off on my kids (they drink crystal light instead of apple juice now).
40. Not driving thru much at all anymore.
41. Thinking there's nothing much better than a fresh, crisp Fuji apple.
42. Not minding having a can of peas for dinner.
43. Knowing I can't eat out at a Mexican restaurant and expect a good result.
44. Having a normal stomach/digestive system.
45. Being able to wear heels again with at least a modicum of comfort involved.
46. Shopping at places like Anthropologie, Banana Republic, etc.
47. Snoring less, according to DH!
48. Thinking people are insane to drink 2% milk instead of skim.
49. Discovering Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Breeze and oatmeal.
50. Enjoying my PB2 -- guilt free!!!
51. I'd much rather be the stinky one (extra fiber makes me toot! ROFL!) than the fat one.
52. Being fine with still being the heaviest of my sisters.
53. Being able to love others better because I love myself.
54. Using the gift of words to be able to process this all.
55. Needing a tummy tuck.
56. GETTING a tummy tuck! Thanks so much Dr. Smith! You're amazing!
57. Having two vegetables served with dinner and having it be normal.
58. Fat Free Sugar Free pudding and Fat Free Cool Whip for dessert, or snack, or on some weird days, breakfast....
59. Alternative bagels.
60. Not feeling guilty anymore when my husband picks me up.
61. Not worrying about embarassing my kids for being the "fat mom".
62. For no longer being the girl who "eats all the food" -- long story LOL
63. Being happy with more than one part of my body.
64. Knowing I'll never be "done" with this.
65. Shrinking out of gym clothes.
66. Shrinking out of swimsuits (third year in a row I'll need a new size!)
67. Shrinking out of my Spanx.
68. Not standing out for a bad reason -- usually
69. Friends who now mean so much to me like KarenS, Dotti and Al, Maria P, and all my zonie buddies.
70. Doing this for one reason, and one reason only.... myself!
71. Playing in the snow without hyperventilating.
72. Understanding what a REAL portion size is.
73. Not having people recognize me anymore.
74. Seeing the pride in my mother's eyes.
75. Seeing the pride in Teresa's eyes -- my step-mom.
76. My husband having at least an idea of how hard this is.
77. Owning a size 10 and fitting into it!
78. Realizing that maybe a size Large is too big (but it depends!)
79. Every now and then, embracing the pride and ignoring the shame.
80. Showing the "bad guys" that I'm stronger than them.
81. Having my driver's license serve as my "before" photo.
82. Finding out that Lucky Jeans, True Religion Jeans and 7 For All Mankind jeans totally ROCK!
83. Having a gym wardrobe that is larger than my "real" wardrobe.
84. Different sneakers for different activities.
85. Not being afraid of a camera anymore.
86. Knowing that I need my inhaler if I'm having trouble breathing and it's not just me.....
87. Not needing blood pressure meds.
88. Feeling hugely guilty for not going to the gym.
89. Choosing to move instead of sit (like during the layover at the airport).
90. Being in less pain every day.
91. Feeling my sweat pants slip down my hips during a workout.
92. Knowing I had it in me all along.
93. Needing to eat every couple hours.
94. Feeling like a grilled chicken sandwich is a splurge (drive thru choice is ALWAYS a salad now!)
95. Knowing that I'm not THAT special, and being happy about it.
96. Hating the treadmill, it doesn't burn enough calories!
97. Knowing how easy it is to get back on the wagon.
98. Setting a good example instead of a bad one.
99. Knowing within my heart that being off the wagon isn't worth it.
100. Knowing the the first 99 reasons are just the beginning.

Yay, another NVC....

That stands for Norwegian Viking chick!!! I'm sooo excited that Caroline's mom is coming to visit us!!!!!!!!! Really truly excited to meet her and share stories and just get to know this really cool lady that I haven't met in person yet. Also, I'm excited that she gets to come for some of the best parts of the year like graduation, the late spring when it's beautiful, etc. Just great news all around.

I'm happy to report that on Friday I got to call both the gyn's office and the plastic surgeon's office and tell them that I WILL be going ahead with the abdominoplasty along with the hysterectomy. They are coordinating their schedules and I should have a prospective surgery date in the next couple business days.

Then.... this week we get to go to Atlanta to visit my big sister Amy and her new husband Matt (and don't forget Bray and Kyleigh!!!) I'm excited to see all of them, and have a great time in the ATL. I've never been, and Caroline and I plan to have a great time (with Susy and Roger too, of course!)

Good friends and good news

Well, my buds all said that the dream wasn't dead; it shouldn't be dead; it could still come true someday. I believed the someday part, but had no clue it would be TODAY.

Thsi morning I took my beloved and hilarious daughter to preschool, ran home and realized I had a voice mail. I checked my messages and Candace from the plastic surgeon's office called to say that she wanted me to call her back and she had something she thought I'd want to hear to tell me. Honestly I was a bit hesitant. I've been having a very hard time letting go of the idea of getting the tuck done. Very hard. Immensely hard. I kinda wanted to just pretend that the doctor's office fell off the face of the earth so I could try to ignore it. But, I called her right back anyway, she was so nice when I saw and talked to her before, and figured it couldn't be WORSE than the quote I couldn't afford.

She said that the doctor had never done this in her time with him, but he was moved by my story and wanted to see if he could lower his fee to the minimum to recover his costs so that I might be able to afford the surgery. His fee dropped from what was a fair but not-feasible for us currently fee of $4500 to just $2000. As soon as she told me this she pointed out that I would still need to pay a bit of OR fees and a bit of anesthesia fees, but I already knew that part and it wasn't horrible. I started shaking. I mean, really truly shaking. Thinking about it again now I'm starting to shake again.

My husband has now said that I can do it. We have ways to finagle it (hello escrow account cashout, etc.) and I'm hoping my husband doesn't play this to his advantage. Trust me, you don't wanna know. But either way I'm actually thinking this might happen. I'm ecstatic. And you poor people reading this.... you're going to have access to some icky, nasty, horrible before, and less icky, nasty, horrible after photos.

Today was a good day.

Oh, and per my daughter, the light side of the moon is best because the the aliens who live there like to stay on the dark side.

The Death of the Dream

We just got the call from the surgeon's office to give us one preliminary set of costs, and the simplest way to put it is that the dream is now dead. There's no way we can figure out how to pay for it.

I feel like the universe has been setting me up for disappointment -- it's been a nice couple weeks with good news/situations sprinkled around. I appreciate the bracing for impact, but I don't so much appreciate the fact that it's all over -- all the hoping and believing and dreaming and hoping, and hoping. And did I mention hoping? I'd actually started hoping that I might be worth this, that I might be able to complete my tranformation and not feel like a complete and utter freak.

It's like the world is trying to tell me that I'm great for doing this, for transforming myself, but there's no way with my karmic background that I can justify actually completing the change. It seems like I'll forever be stuck with this body that I've ruined. And I didn't just ruin a foot, or a hand, no, I ruined the front and center portion. The part that is there in all it's glory in everything that I do, all day, every day.

The good news is I DON'T have the urge to comfort myself with food. I'm having a can of peas for lunch.... sad but true.

And the insanity continues

Well, I've visited with a plastic surgeon, and my gyn. And everyone keeps telling me how much benefit I'll see from this possible abdominoplasty/panniculectomy. I'm offically down 72 pounds now -- unofficially closer to 80, and I've worked so hard and learned so much, and am so so so proud of myself, I really want the entirety of body to reflect this.

We're hoping that by combining the plastic surgery aspect with the impending hysterectomy (leaving the ovaries for another decade or so....) that it will make it more cost effective and possibly therefore feasible. There's no news yet, and I'm really nervous. It's not helping much that everyone is saying how much of a difference the surgery would make. For someone who's lost this little I have an abnormally large "apron," I think. I'll post pics eventually. Have to get the guts first. If I DO have the surgery, I'll end up posting all the info and pics. I know how much the stories of others have helped me emotionally, so I'd like to put my story out there in case it might help someone else.

I'm happy right now, and I'm embracing it. I'm doing well in school, I'm loving my kids, I'm having good weigh-ins, and I'm getting amazing feedback on my weight loss. When I first saw my gyn after losing most of the weight she was sooo sweet. I saw her this Thursday (two months after the last time) for her to measure my pannus, and she was so emphatic that I was going to look amazing afterwards. The hard part is hearing that and knowing the cost may prohibit me from seeing the result.

Pride and shame. I absolutley love my gyn -- I mentioned that to her and she totally understood, and is sooo positive. I always joke that it's odd that I'm so happy to go see my girlie doctor, but I do. I really hope this works out.