We just got the call from the surgeon's office to give us one preliminary set of costs, and the simplest way to put it is that the dream is now dead. There's no way we can figure out how to pay for it.
I feel like the universe has been setting me up for disappointment -- it's been a nice couple weeks with good news/situations sprinkled around. I appreciate the bracing for impact, but I don't so much appreciate the fact that it's all over -- all the hoping and believing and dreaming and hoping, and hoping. And did I mention hoping? I'd actually started hoping that I might be worth this, that I might be able to complete my tranformation and not feel like a complete and utter freak.
It's like the world is trying to tell me that I'm great for doing this, for transforming myself, but there's no way with my karmic background that I can justify actually completing the change. It seems like I'll forever be stuck with this body that I've ruined. And I didn't just ruin a foot, or a hand, no, I ruined the front and center portion. The part that is there in all it's glory in everything that I do, all day, every day.
The good news is I DON'T have the urge to comfort myself with food. I'm having a can of peas for lunch.... sad but true.
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